Have you ever been eaten alive by guilt? I have. Several times in my life. One of the more recent accounts is too funny (and embarrassing) not to share.
I’ve prided myself on my reading. Far too much. So much so, that when my wife and I have visitors I’ll “forget” to put my copy of Aristotle’s Nicomachean ethics away from the coffee table, all so our guests can see how much of a genius I am. I use that book as an example because it’s what I’m currently reading. Do you see? I just did it again. I have a compulsive need for people to know all the smart things I’m reading. I truly do pride myself far too much with my reading.
Enough about how undeniably smart I am, let’s get to the guilt.
Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood! My mom, my sister, and I would constantly watch the movies every single year, especially around Christmas time (Harry Potter is a Christmas series to me, just like Die Hard). So much so that I even began to read the books! The keyword being “began.”
If you would’ve asked me a year ago if I read Harry Potter, I would parade around as if I had read the whole series forward, backward, and upside down. That was, until I felt immense guilt for carrying this lie that has been with me since childhood. I have never read every single Harry Potter book… just the first couple, snippets here and there from the middle ones, and most of the last book… but to anyone who knew me, I had read all the books!
Eventually, the weight of this little white lie built up, and it truly began to feel unbearable. Now picture me shedding my pride, confessing to my wife that I’m a fraud, and her reaction. She was flabbergasted, but also laughing at me (deservedly so). It hurt most because my ego surrounding my reading was shot. By myself, no doubt, but shot it was. Yet, it all was worth it because now a tiny little lie, that had grown to the size of an elephant, was removed from my chest. I could breathe.
Guilt is Heavy
King David himself is familiar with the dense weight that guilt can possess. In fact, he even mentions it in one of his Psalms:
3 For when I kept silent [about my transgressions], my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night [God’s] hand was upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.
- Psalm 32:3-4
David gives a very visceral analysis of his guilt. To him, holding in his guilt by not confessing felt like his very bones were wasting away; he was made frail by the weight of his guilt. It felt as if the divine hand of God was pressing down heavily upon him. All his strength was dried up.
It’s like after you finish working out. Whatever muscle group you targeted that day is overworked and very weak, until you rest and build it back up to be stronger. If you work out your biceps that day, you may find it difficult to lift even the most trivial of items afterward.
Your sin is heavy, and carrying your sin around while you know that you are guilty is like constantly working out your spiritual muscles until they atrophy. That is why guilt can make you feel as if you are weak and wasting away. Your soul has been overworked by trying to carry this heavy burden all by yourself. You’re like a pressure cooker. The longer your guilt is hidden away in your heart, the more pressure builds up, and sooner or later you’re bound to explode.
And Edgar Allan Poe knew as much.
The Thumping Heart
If you’ve never read The Tell-Tale Heart please do yourself a favor and read it in full.
This tale of Poe’s is one of my favorite stories. It has been since I read it in High School. It was one of the reading assignments in Language Arts that I actually didn’t hate.
In short, the narrator tells a story of when he sneaked into his master’s bedroom late at night and murdered him, then chopped him up nice and small in order to hide his dismembered body in the floorboards. The narrator tells of how he could hear the man’s heart beating when he was slowly entering his room. It sounded like a watch enveloped in cotton.
(Poe is the artistic antithesis of Bob Ross)
That’s not all to the story however. In the midst of the murder, the old man bellowed out a scream. A neighbor had heard and informed the authorities, who then showed up at the house. Yet, Poe had nothing to fear. All the blood drained down the tub, and his body was hidden in the floor after all. The police wouldn’t be able to find anything.
While the police are interrogating the narrator he begins to hear a noise. A noise that sounds like a watch enveloped in cotton. I’ll let Poe tell the rest.
No doubt I now grew very pale; — but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased — and what could I do? It was a low, dull, quick sound — much such a sound as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I gasped for breath — and yet the officers heard it not. I talked more quickly — more vehemently; but the noise steadily increased. I arose and argued about trifles, in a high key and with violent gesticulations; but the noise steadily increased. Why would they not be gone? I paced the floor to and fro with heavy strides, as if excited to fury by the observations of the men — but the noise steadily increased. Oh God! what could I do? I foamed — I raved — I swore! I swung the chair upon which I had been sitting, and grated it upon the boards, but the noise arose over all and continually increased. It grew louder — louder — louder! And still the men chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! — no, no! They heard! — they suspected! — they knew! — they were making a mockery of my horror! — this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! — and now — again! — hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! —
“Villains!” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed! — tear up the planks! — here, here! — it is the beating of his hideous heart!”
Going Forward
Poe knew the weight that guilt possessed. He wrote that “anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision!” The pressure had built up, and the narrator exploded in confession.
So often in our lives, when we sin, we can let it fester into an unbearable guilt that is slowly killing us, stealing our energy as we try to carry it in our day to day lives.
Thankfully, God has given us instruction. The ability to depressurize our souls of the burden of our guilt.
5 I acknowledged my sin to [God],
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgression to the Lord,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.
- Psalm 32:5
Through a proper handling of sin, we can disperse the building pressure of our guilt. A guilty conscience is used by God to bring sinners to the cross of Jesus Christ in confession!
We must confess to God our sin and guilt, and confess to any other party who may have been involved in our wrongdoing, and the pressure can be alleviated. No more weight, no more dried up strength, no more weak bones.
Our guilt should go no further than the cross of Jesus Christ, where forgiveness for our transgressions was purchased!
The life of a believer is marked by repentance and confession for a good reason! God has actually dealt with our sin in such a way that our guilty conscience can be cleared! Don’t wait for the pressure to build. Humble yourself, bridle your pride, grab hold of his promises today!